So yesterday I went back.  It went exactly as expected.  The doctor walks in wearing jeans and a button down shirt, and i swear he might just be one of the construction workers remodeling the office.  He asks if i wanted to wait or have it removed.  I said, “I came here to have it removed.”  Then he washed his hands in the sink of the exam room and touched my back with his barehands.  Probably grosser for him than me.  Next, there was a debate as to how much clothing i needed to take off.  I at least wanted to remove my shirt.  I got my way (rather than having them push it up, ever hear of sterility anyone).  So I lay on my belly, I have expected them to have me sit up for the procedure and that i’d have to argue this too, but i did get to lie flat.  It’s no special room, just the regular exam room, where 100 patients come and go with their germs.  The tattoo parlor where i got my belly button pierced ran under far higher standards of cleanliness.  I’m not joking.

So I get numbed up with lidocaine, and can’t feel anything but pressure and tugging, and my heart beating somewhere around 130 beats a minute.  I ask, “does lidocaine increase heartrate?”  The doctor says it can, but so will stress, but then how would he know how fast my heart was beating, it’s not like he checked.  So I try to will myself more relaxed and my heartrate goes down a bit.  They didn’t even take my blood pressure when i came in!  Just my pulse and temperature.  Again, when I give blood, more attention is given to my vitals.

Remarkably, the whole thing took little time.  I went in at 10:20 and was done by 11.  The doctor stitched up the inside and steri-stripped the outside.  He gave me no wound care instructions except for the questions i asked, and he told me not to swim for a week or soak in a bath.  I had better wound care instruction from the tattoo artist.

So I’m done and they leave and I have to put on my shirt.  Not once did they ask at the end how i was feeling.  I suppose i looked good and not pale, but what the heck, i easily could have been faint.  I was left in the room with my medical waste.  So I took a picture of it.  Cuz  I am curious like that.  But what if the sight of blood made me pass out?  Did they think about this?

So in short, it went exactly as i expected for me, like a back room surgery on a kitchen table by an old country doctor.  I just hope he wore gloves and a mask!  

My intention this year is to make peace with myself.

It’s simple really.  I will accept who I am, as I am.

I will accept the burdens and the blessings of those who came before me with an open heart and an open mind.

I will allow Grace to follow me, I will open my heart to the voice inside that is eternal.

I will not make war with perfection.

What is, will be, as it is.

It’s those moments that make it so damn obvious that I could not have done this.  Life is stressful and unpredictable enough.  Holy god, having this happen!  I just wish I could have been there for her, but SK is a really really calming person and i’m sure her presence helped.  Hospital stuff stresses me and fascinates me due to my own lack of drama/trauma.  My grandmother was such a calm influence on my parents when anything happened, and then later I just grew up totally calm.  I also was really safe (and so is M, this was an uncommon fluke), and healthy.  My parents were lucky.  I was lucky too, because any crazy crap I did get into turned out easily enough.

working on the power of love

When no hope was left in sight
Dean Winchester prayed he could handle this fight

He stole to his girl
All dressed in black
Prepared his weapons for the coming attack

And into the fray the hero drew
Blood from his arm
For a summoning ritual

He’d bind the archangel or be doomed to his nature
Heaven’s most fierce, not likely to languish
Leviathans to kill, smite, and vanquish

Dean had no time to worry about
His brother, so soon to be periled
When Michael came forth from his underworld jail

No time to think about being a human
No last meal, no piece of pie
Not even the time to say his goodbye

With fire from the sky and a rend in the earth
The intrepid hunter prepares for rebirth

Unearthly screams send their citations
And the human is no more at his station.

Younger brother, abomination
Knows the voice that sings lamentations
Another brother, time immortal
Has broken out of the Hellmouth portal

“Your brother won’t break me
I’ll be back for you soon
And to hell I will take thee
For being my ruin”

With his warning of grief the angel did fly
Fire his weapon, the leviathan cry
For killing a monster he hopes for his prize

His father, long absent will feel his despair
All Heaven is broken, no prince on the chair

It’s empty and cavernous, the way he would see it
To others a meadow, a garden completes it

Blinders cover the eyes of archangel
Heaven’s warrior lost in emotion’s tangle

The throne room once occupied by his Father
Four pillars, each held by a brother

He can not do this alone.

At once there is a midnight savior
Another who dares to question his anger
And wonders if perhaps father left them
But would return not for a favor

But for the joy of his children reunited
Does anyone know why it is that we’re fighting?

Michael is here in his heavenly form
Six heads with eyes that seek love not scorn

Celestial love he drains from companions
Then returns to the earth as the hunter from Kansas

The brother, the sullied one, still wants to save him
Can he learn from this monkey, when he just wants to blame him

“Please Dean, listen to me
Remember your love helped break me free”

With the flick of his wrist and a thought of his mind
Michael returns to the cage not shocked to find

His brother, long suffering, with hatred cold as a stone
Building a trap out of sinew and bone

“I’ve returned the toy you must have missed
He will serve you well in this eternal abyss”

Heaven’s servant, the best of his kind, tries if he can, but he can not climb
The cage, its doors have sealed shut.
The mortal he rode has made a rough cut

“Binding spells suck, you son of a bitch
You won’t be escaping this infernal ditch”

Stuck with both vessels and one surly brother
He takes to his torture like a crazed angry lover

The brothers Winchester, this pain they endure
For Hell is a place they both have sojourned
And living its torture together not futile
It seems to be making the angels more labile

Millennia pass, or maybe an hour
Waves of energy lend their power
Shouts ring out, a deafening call
Freed from the rack, the mortal men fall

To the guest, the archangels bow
“He has returned, there is hope for us now”

With a gesture so gentle it opens their eyes
Angel and mortal slowly arise

In this form the brothers can’t see him
So he appears as one they remember so grim
Yet with love in his heart as big as the sky
Boys recognize John from days gone by

Rejoice! Rejoice! for Father is home
He will ascend to take his throne

Due to two brothers who never give up
Freewill is their charge, destiny they disrupt
Dean and Sam reminding celestials, there’s always a choice
God made us human and not angel toys

Because together they’re stronger, apart is the end
Heaven is born all over again

And with that, we say, “God Bless, Amen”.

Sometimes God really does have a plan.

I think the delay occurred to help me think of what i wanted to do with my situation. And i came to the conclusion that i was woefully unprepared. It’s not that i can’t be a good parent, i know i can, and i love kids, but it’s just me. There really is no support system. Sure C would help, but that is not enough. Children are a full time job and they are exhausting! They get sick all the time and they get hurt. I’m 30 minutes away! How would i possibly be able to care for a child and do my job well? This reminded me of the actress Betty White who stated she never had children because she would not be able to give fully to her career and to the children. What a mature answer. I like that and that is also how i feel.

I will not go through life with the sorrow that I never had children. It’s still possible to do foster care after i retire. But honestly, I think i am well suited to being an aunt. I love lil M and as her “aunt” i can watch her to help out C and also later on I can help out financially. Another way i can help i to host a Fresh Air child in the summer when i have more time. I do plan on looking into that.

Work has been so crazy now that i don’t even know how my colleagues juggle both. We are in the nascent phase that eventually will lead to the restructuring of public education as we know it. The writing is on the wall if i can figure it all out. Meanwhile, I have never felt so dedicated and eager for my job. I love doing it well, but i am tired.

I also think some weird subconscious part of me is rebelling. I can’t seem to get school work done at home. I will do a few things, but then when faced with making activities or grading, i am freaking out. It’s really weird. I made my to-do list for today and i managed to do much of it. I do have my plans done for Mon and Tues. I have the activities for tomorrow for math, but no more. And there is so much to grade. So i sit here writing this journal! LOL!

I love my job, but now i worry it won’t be there for me for the next 14 years. I really need the income it brings because that is what i am used to. I think i have earned my pay and i don’t want it taken away. Sometimes i even worry that i will lose my pension. It’s stupid stress and i should chill. Even if we restructure, i do a good job and i will stay employed.

We live in dark times. God bless those who can’t find work.

Summer activities: Well, I just put away the last of the peaches I picked at into my freezer! 12 containers! Yummy! Tomorrow I close on a second mortgage that is a far better interest rate than i had. I have no credit card debt and a light at the end of the tunnel of debt. I watched little M 6 times this summer and it was fun! WE found different things to do each week. Went to Chicago! Went to amusement park! Completed 3 credit online class.

Weigh 73 kilos! Only drank a small part of July at the end and a few days hit or miss in August! And was all normal about it!

No word on a kidlet. Offered baby in July, do not want a baby. Want a little one. I have a room all set and not for baby.

Read a lot this summer. I have a Nook. hightly recommend it!

So I am in this foster class with 11 others. We are all pretty cool, not a one there for the money, Ha! Like there really is money in this business. There are 10 classes and they are 3 hours long. The topics are very general about loss and family and safety. All common sense.

Of course that doesn’t prevent me from being scared shitless. Being a new parent is scary. doing it alone is terrifying! My parents had each other, my mom stayed home, my grandmother (who was only 55 at the time) lived next door. Plus my parents had siblings.

I got CK, not too much money and I need to use daycare.

I’m also afraid that the child might be sickly or never sleep. But I can’t worry about these things. I know what I am doing is the right choice. I trust the uiniverse knows the right moment for two souls to meet.

There are two classes left and then I am certified in May to “board children”. I don’t want anything to come up until late June! I hope some day to look back and laugh at my worries.

• Like spitting
• And hitting
• And cursing
• And snarling

I think deep down I am agoraphobic! Sometimes when I am out shopping people just really annoy me!

And then there are other days where I feel kindred with these strangers and talk to people randomly and feel good!

I think the one from Aunt Charlene was the sweetest.  Her and her husband had a picture, but the best was her closing: 

Trust God-Live Simply-Love Much-Laugh Often

This season has annoyed me this year.  I am tired of the shallow run towards thegifts.  I think it’s about family and friends, love and laughter.  Cheers to health and well being.  You can exchange a gift or two, but it need not be crazy.

My pagan roots are rearing too!  I really love to celebrate Solstace and the renewal of the Earth.  Our ancestors undertood nature and moved to its rhythms.

There is the blessing of time off coming soon.  5 days of work and then 11 days of rest!!!!

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour’s birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

And this one is the geek!  LOL!  Jared Padalecki has a hobby:  working out!!!!  Honest though, shirtless scenes are rare and I really do watch it for the plot.  This season is doing well, very mysterious and intriguing.  I really have no idea what is going on.  I hope that it is not the last season, not yet.  I need more. 

In life right now I am trying to get back on the health bandwagon, but I have not been able to.  At my age it’s vital to do the right things, but I have not and I worry about what it is going to do to me in the long run.  At work, I am in season 6 and it’s all new again and sometimes it’s like I don’t know what’s going on.  Co-teaching is like a marriage, you have to communicate, check in and support each other.  It’s stressful and gives me anxiety.